Tag Archives: karma

Oh the horror!

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Screams radiated from one bedroom, while a maniacal laugher rang out from another room.

It was the beginning of the perfect conclusion to awesome spring break day. Both my kids were playing quietly upstairs in their rooms. They had played all day, either with me or friends. I listen as my daughter asked my son, “Come on bud, let’s go play Minecraft.” Peter, “Really?” And off they went to play together. I say to myself, “You have parented well, now go reward yourself. You are winning!” It is spring break so Cork popped the cork on a meaty red wine! “Breathe beautiful wine, breathe”



They silence was beautiful. I was rather proud of my kids. They rarely need to be disciplined and are both amazingly intelligent. They were playing together in this virtual Minecraft world. Apparently, my daughter invited Peter to play in her world. They separated, he in his room and she in hers on separate devices. Suddenly screams of terror, cries from my daughter’s room. Sobbing hiccups crying, a barely audible, “He Godzilla’ed my world, he put lava everywhere!” Obviously, I’m not too informed on the Minecraft lingo or the complexity. I had read it was good for three dimensional thinking and brain development so I became a fan. In the other room, we hear laughter, maniacal laughter. Peter is obviously pleased with himself, he had finally won something against his older wiser sister. Peter saw himself as Peter the Minecraft dominator, Peter the destructor. 

My daughter’s sadness quickly grew into anger and then acceptance. Rowan would surely rise like a Phoenix from the Minecraft world ashes. My son, well… we all learned why he’s blocked so much on Minecraft. He was apparently known to Godzilla worlds with lava, he was indeed Peter the destructor. My husband and I often talk, she is a genius with the morality of a saint. Peter has a bit more creative genius with flexible morality. He’ll either go to prison or find the cure for cancer. Both are incredibly smart. I think about the possibility of one or both inheriting my genetics. Tonight I saw myself in them both, I laughed silently with Peter and cried internally for my daughter. Her forgiveness was humbling and his apology priceless, “It’s just a game, I’d never hurt you in real life row.” 
My hope is my children see my struggles and learn from my mistakes. They recognize the symptoms, they watch out for each other as adults. They learn from my openness of my own mental illnesses. They adapt and overcome, they are kind, they grow up knowing how to handle their superpower. Something I only learned as an adult.
I parented tonight and the wine was wonderful.

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Who is the mad woman?

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 “A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.” Oscar Wilde


I’m sure some curiosity is stirring about the person behind the blog. I use to be completely normal. That statement seems funny now, because I am a new normal. So how is it normal isn’t the same now? Now I’ve learned to embrace my genetic flaws. Society would probably never labeled me as normal, society puts labels on mental disorders such as crazy, depressed, or sickness. The doctors over the years have added labels such as Bipolar disorder, General anxiety disorder (GAD), post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and Depression. Overtime I’ll share the stories behind the labels. Life happened and my brain just stopped making certain chemicals and wasn’t able to deal with trauma or stress. The big label is Bipolar disorder. In combination, I am a physiological mess and a real pain in the ass to treat. Treating bipolar takes priority, because the medication for others can create chaos, mania, and manic episodes. On occasion my doctor will give me something to help with the others, but with mania and depression under control I maintain the quirky new normal. I started a blog to share how it’s not crazy. I share my ups and downs, stories that somehow pop in my head, and if you’re lucky occasionally lunacy, drunken rantings, and delusions. I write those just before the fast acting antipsychotics start working. 
I can be very normal in appearance. It is exhausting when I have fake it all day. Those around me may never know that I suffer a daily battle in my head. I hid the deep depression as the flu for years, but rarely could I hide my mania or psychosis. I know some old friends and acquaintances are reading this right now thinking, “I KNEW IT!” In reality, I hear the whispers and for whatever reason someone always unbeknownst to them remind me how people love to talk and gossip, It’s human nature. They talk about my “illness.” I never confronted them and they never knew they hurt me so deeply when all I needed was help, friendship, and acceptance. Being bipolar is unfortunately very lonely and you hurt the people you love most, you hurt yourself. So I became very open and own my “sickness” instead of fueling speculation. 
I’m not sick, I am bipolar. I am very intelligent, some may say gifted and very artistic. I can remember the placement of every object in my house, even junk drawers, a convenient superpower. I’m generous to the point of giving what I do not have to give. I have an almost obsessive need to learn talents and skills. I absorb things and like to be independent. I start hobbies or even sports at random. Once I’m satisfied with mastering the activity I move on to another. Over the years I’ve become like a human Google of useless information and skills. My daughter asked me just yesterday, “Mom, how do know everything?” My response, “Because I’m bipolar.” I realized I didn’t say sick, crazy, or just because, I said bipolar, It’s my superpower. It’s never going away and makes me the person I am today. 
So that doesn’t sound bad at all, does it? Let me share some demons. I’ll only share a few but you’ll get the point. When manic, I am reckless, sexy, and entertaining. I am a child with no rules. I do what makes me feel good. I don’t think about others emotions. I lash out at those who try to help. The racing thoughts and rapid speech are the first sign of  my mania. I will ramble my theories and musing, draw my thoughts on paper. I have visions and see things that aren’t real. The night sky is colorful, It’s absolutely beautiful with color. The moon hums to me. I refuse to sleep because I’m not tired. I have no need for sleep anymore. I’m delusional and will recount a story from a book as my own and truly believe the storytelling. I’m extremely compulsive in all areas. I am self-destructive physically. It’s never a happy ending, the cycle concludes with me crying for days, depressed, guilt ridden, hurt, embarrassed, suicidal, and no way to explain my behavior. Sometimes I feel like it wasn’t me, but this other person who ruined my reputation. If only I could stop this identity thief who used my body and mind. I am reminded by the scars and the scars I’ve caused others. I swear to give everything I’ve got to redeem my soul as I cry in bed begging to be normal.
Now here’s the catch, I miss my delusional mind. Yes, I miss the sensations and delusions. I was invincible, I had no fears or worries, no sadness in my world. I miss the colors of the night sky. I’ve never seen the Aurora Borealis, but it’s close to how I saw the night. Sometimes, the humming that radiated from the moon would cause it all to flow in perfect sync. On full moons, it was the strongest, hence I was a lunatic. Sometimes so strong it would draw me out of my house and keep me from self-destruction because I would sit out all night under the stars. I never understood why everyone wasn’t staring at the sky. I miss seeing such beauty. I gave up my colorful night to be normal. Sometimes I will try hard to see it and cry because my night was no longer colorful, It’s dark now, it’s normal. I gave it up to be a better mother. To be an example to my children and friends. I gave it up to save my life. My days are now colorful.
I’m a normal, sometimes a bit more extreme almost childish parent. We all like to win and screaming, “boo yah” to a group of kindergartens when winning a game is my normal and they love seeing me being one of the kids. I’m the cool fun mom who is coloring the wall. I’m goofy and tell the kids fantastic stories. I give the pets voices and narrate what the pets are thinking in those voices. I have an ongoing saga with the cat that even causes me to laugh aloud. My husband is my best friend and incredibly strong to have stuck around for 18 years caring for me. It’s not easy being a caregiver to someone who fights you daily at times. I have led charitable and professional organizations successfully. I am able to volunteer for organizations and even maintain a pretty impressive resume. I may be a pack rat and sometimes a complete disaster. I am flattered by the response to my blog and just knowing I’ve helped one person heals my scars. I hope if a story touches you that you share it so it helps someone else. It was medication and good doctors that helped me, also reading other blogs and seeing others surviving that really helped me. You’re not alone even when you feel there is no way anyone feels the way you do, I guarantee you there is a post not far down the feed to prove you wrong.

Synopsis: in case you have an attention disorder and can’t finish the whole story.

I am here today, I’m pretty damn cool and I am bipolar. 

 
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Meditation, play by play fail

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So I was told meditation is amazing to slow your mind, ease your worries, and soothe your soul. So hello google and youtube, I’m now a subject matter expert. Kids are in school and I need to learn to self soothe. Let’s do this!

Step 1: Sit or lie comfortably

I sit my pretty little butt down trying to not think. Then I start thinking, “did it say how I should sit or lie?”, “Is the door locked”, “I really need to be doing laundry” “I guess I could just masturbate”

Step 2: Close your eyes

Eye are closed, success! Eyes are closed! “Why is it so hard to keep my eyeballs from straining?” Suddenly dog jumps on me, “Stupid dog, go away I am f*cking meditating”

Step 3: Make no effort to control breath; simply breathe naturally.

I’m now laying, not sitting anymore eyes closed and thinking “Is this natural breathing?” “Why am I over thinking breathing?” “Keep your eyes closed and stop thinking….why the hell is the cat now rubbing and purring on me, ugh. Did you forget you hate me cat!?!?”  “Stop thinking about sex” “Focus!”

Step 4: Focus your attention, blah blah blah. Breathing more blah blah blah. Body movement and more breathing ramblings. This is basically the meditate step.

Cats gone, dog is in the floor. All is peaceful, I just might do this meditate thing. Eyes closed, I hear the sounds of regurgitation from the dog. I think, “meditate, ignore dog. Breathe naturally”. As I hear the dog move around room, obviously puking, the doorbell rings. At that moment, dog forgets about puking to run barking like a rabid dog to kill the door.

I open my eyes to see that the dog decided to walk around to puke, disgusting. Checked outside, no one is there. I clean up after the dog. Cat runs a sniper attack on my head as I clean and the phone is ringing. Yay, it’s the school nurse, I have a sick kid. I laughed as she talked and just told her I’d be there to pick him up soon.

My conclusion, meditation and the bipolar mind is nearly impossible. But you know what is soothing, involves bed, and eyes rolling back in your head. Yep, sex!

“Just don’t write about me”

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Blogging is an excellent outlet and surprisingly I enjoy writing about my lunacy. I love reading the comments it’s very therapeutic. Over the last week or so as word spread “the nut” was writing a blog, the common thread was “that’s awesome”, “Just don’t write about me”. It seemed people loved living the story with me, but somehow embarrassed for me to tell the stories. Guess what? I’m going to tell all my stories (*insert maniacal laugh). 

You can’t choose to ride the roller coaster and say you only walked by the ride. People tend to really enjoy a good shit show. I’m not a mean girl, so don’t start sweating. If I blog about you, you’re probably not going to notice, unless….. you’re a narcissist then all my post are about you and you’re ugly.

So let my story telling begin. I hope to help someone out there relate, understand a friend or family member who may suffer from mental illness. I am flattered by my following and really love to hear your thoughts. Who knows, you just might end up in my stories.

Do you believe in “Banking Karma”? Because this market sucks!

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I’ve given a lot of thought to Karma. I’ve done everything to try to pin point my triggers. I think ultimately I’m let down by humanity. It’s life in general and my inability to realize not everyone thinks like I do, as Einstein once so humorously pondered. I know I am intelligent, genius in many ways.  But in theory, those who suffer with bipolar disorder are gifted, artistic, thinkers, and creative. We are never going to understand normal, but we want it more than you can imagine.

In the past decade, I’ve spent every moment I could helping others, helping friends, or helping organizations. Always saying yes and trying to recognize signs, symptoms in people surrounding me and helping by sharing my friendship and using my talents to benefit others without expectations. I do it because I genuinely want to help people,  but I joke that I’m “banking karma”. One day it’ll pay off and l’ll never have to be anything but normal. I would give up all materialistic things to be normal and ensure my children are happy, healthy, and loved.

Currently I’m questioning the very existence of “do good things and good things happening”, people take advantage of us, narcissist love people like us, and the worst are those who just want our love, but never expect to return the love. I’ve given my soul to be loved and call a friend because I wanted to have a “BFF” and sadly I’ll never be more than a fun friend. It’s entirely another blog post on its on, but I want it more than anything. My disorder ruins everything , I have no control, but regret everything. I attract self-destructive people, narcissist, and the mental ill, it’s my cross to bear.

I have had a long week, two flat tires in one day, unexpected increases in expenses, and then my dryer decided to die. I did a cost benefit analysis and new thermal fuse (blown), new motor (burnt out), and control panel on a 12 year old dryer wasn’t worth the money in the long run. Those vocational classes paid off for Lowe’s tonight. So I went and bought a new dryer. As I said before, I had dinner alone, hoping for a sign from my karma bank. I hoped for a friend someone to just talk too. I think I expected the universe to send me a message. But, no one noticed me, no one talked to me, and no one showed up. I never felt more alone. I think I need a new bank account for karma.

Let down and already been kicked this week it’s not easy to stay out of the doldrums. There is no wind in my sails. Escaping a low is like learning to walk, when you’re rapid cycling it like recovering from paralysis. You knew how to walk, but lost the ability and in between you ran marathons. I don’t want to be paralyzed again. I’m sad, but I guess this is normal sad. This is normal let down, normal sad.

So I guess I do have expectations. I expect Karma to pay out like a 401k.

This market really blows….

The universe has a f*cked up sense of humor today

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So today I’ve either got the greatest guardian angel watching over me or one hell of a prankster guardian angel who just needed to fucking color today.

It started as a normal Monday, get the kids up, dressed, feed, and off to school. I’m just looking forward to my relaxing cup of coffee when everyone is out the door. So the kids are off without fail, success…I got this. Shortly after, husband rushes out the door and I brew the nectar of the gods and sit to enjoy a perfect cup of coffee while catching my morning news. Sounds perfect huh…..but before it touches my lips the front door opens with my husband alerting me my tire is completely flat on my car. No big deal, I GOT this! I don’t have anything to do until noon and it’s to pick a friend up at the Airport in Washington DC, so easy I’ll take his truck and he can ride his motorcycle….i’ve got this and it’s not that bad. So I sit down to drink my coffee when I hear swearing from the garage. It’s my husband, who for the life of me has no mechanical skills swearing at his motorcycle. Again I got this…., he comes in to ask me to help. At this point I’m aggravated I have to do the handy man task, but I sit my coffee down and proceed to fix his motorcycle. I’m the handyman of the household. Another great story for another time, but I took many vocational classes on various skills when I was younger. So easy fix and he’s off to work, I’m at this point irritated, but again I got this and I’m going to have coffee and relax.  It’s not that bad, I am determined to have a happy day.

So my car has a flat, frustrated because  I need and want to fix it I shower and put it off for later in the afternoon after I get my friend home. So I throw on comfy baggy boyfriend jeans, the ones that are unbelievably comfortable but not appropriate because of the rips and stains, a tshirt and faded denim button up. Actually, I was probably trending with the hipster crowd. I even choose to wear flip flops today because why not? The universe smiled, probably laughed unbeknownst to me for what was planned. I put my pretty little ass behind the the wheel of my truck and off I went until not even a mile from my house the front tire just pops and completely blows out. Fortunately, It happened where I could safely pull off the road.

AGAIN I GOT THIS UNIVERSE! I text my friend I wouldn’t make it to airport and my husband my misfortune. I then proceed to exit me car and see the damage….tired shredded. So as any good southern girl would do I proceed to change my tire in flip flops.  As I’m under the back end of my truck getting the spare untethered from the bottom. I hear a motorcycle pull up and there was the arrival of my husband and soon the police just to make sure I’m okay, ugh. At least, my husband said my tits looked good. They all told me to stop and let the roadside assistance come and fix the tire, but I was determined because dammit “I got this” and just want everyone to go away.

We’ll everyone did go away….3 hours later and a flat spare. I sat defeated in a Subway eating a tuna sandwich. Hands still a bit dirty but dammit I wasn’t going to be defeated. Spare was inflated…with the help of roadside assistance *insert eyeroll* and here I sat eating a sub while my truck gets it new tires at the firestone. Stupid asshole car! Stupid asshole truck! Fuck you universe!

I am going home to drink my damn cold coffee now! You won! Touche my friend…..Touche

It’s certainly not crazy