Parenting through the blur

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“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did – that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.”Debra Ginsberg

I enjoy every moment, occasionally I will complain about all the mommy chores. So many friends or facebook peeps complain constantly about the juggling act for various reasons. But, I remember this past summer struggling after moving. Changing all my doctors, trying to get my medication refilled. With each doctor, they rarely agreed on treatment plans. Each thinking they knew more than the other. So that left me in a pickle and found myself running out of my old medications. New doctor prescribing medications I’ve loathed and never worked, such as lithium again. So I found myself turned upside down, in a new town and state. I left behind my network I had built and people had just started to understand me and i’m relocated to a place to begin the cycle again. But as a mother, I put my children first and planned summer camps and summer sports for both kids before my appointments.  I delayed my own health to ensure they relocated and made friends. I’d find myself going to soccer practice and crying for no reason. Emotions completely unchecked, mood stabilizers not working. Sitting watching my kids play soccer. I would  remembered the times when I played outside carefree. I remember those moments and again I’d cry. It was just uncontrollable at times and and without rhyme or reason.

Even dealing with my problems and pretty sure some of the parents thought I was antisocial, it took everything to survive summer. Watching my kids play, helping them find friends, and trying my best to hide my mood imbalance, not to mention anxiety of all these new strangers. I wasn’t sleeping at all for various reasons. Watching all the kids reminded me of the ones I have lost and even more thankful for the amazing ones playing on the soccer field, I sat and cried. I wasn’t being antisocial, I was protecting these new parents from meeting that person. Somehow the stigma of people with mental health problems can cause others who do not understand to protect themselves and children from what they don’t understand. It’s a circle of protection. I’m protecting my kids, I’m protecting myself, and I’m protecting potential friends from knowing this person.

Eventually I survived the weekly blood draws, the medication changes, and surprisingly avoided the hospital. I worried what people thought if they noticed the needle bruises, sometime it took 4 or 5 times to give blood. I survived summer and got back on the very cocktail of medications I love to hate, but work.

I try not to talk much about what meds I take because I don’t want others thinking, “I need that because she’s awesome” when behind closed doors I’m not awesome all the time. I have a condition with no cure that makes me awesome, not my medication. It’s like Ironman and batman need their suits to be superheroes. This mom needs her meds to control her superpower and be my children’s superhero. It’s what helps me be awesome. I want people to know and understand mental illness.

 

You can always reach out to me if you’d like a dialogue or have questions. I’m not a professional, nor would I give medical advice. I just share my experiences with my blog andon my Facebook page www.facebook.com/itsnotcrazytoday A valuable tool  is wonderful to have interact on my page or via messenger. Invite friends to like the page too. Keep the dialog open! 

 

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About Musings of a mad woman

“Mental labels don’t define who I am, time and aging only gets me closer to those I love, will love, and have loved” ~ S.L. Cato I’ve battle Bipolar disorder for at least 15+ years, toss in a couple more labels I’ve collected such as generalized anxiety disorder PTSD. This battle is pretty amazing and out of this world and at times a dark rollercoaster ride. The medication, the manic episodes, and mania can be pretty humorous. The hypersexuality, drugs, anxiety, depression, ghosts, and parenting. I’ve certainly felt the sting of the “crazy” stigma, but I’m here today. Bipolar is my superpower. I hope by sharing my musings it helps others understand the labels situation whispered behind closed doors. Please feel free to share my stories, rantings and musings. Read more about me in my post "Who is the Mad Woman"

13 responses »

  1. I love this! You are so honest, and I really resonate. My kids always come first, too, even when I am struggling. Now that I am reaching some acceptance about living with bipolar disorder I am more peaceful and hopeful that it will transcend into all areas of life.

    Wishing you well.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing. You give me insight into my dad’s world. He was diagnosed, tried medication for about a week, before I was born and never used it again. I knew his moods from the outside, could feel his pain, but could never get him to do anything. He either loved the highs enough to tolerate the lows or somehow embraced the lows as well. I’ll never know. He would never tell me. He didn’t really believe he was bi-polar until his 60s when I finally convinced him but then he married his mail order bride and I ran out of chances.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sorry the new docs couldn’t just put you on what WORKS! I know the same thing happens when people change health plans – I’ve heard horror stories from those with treated epilepsy, as well. Just another testament to the broken state of health care, I suppose…..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks for posting this – when you’re a parent it’s hard to own the negative side of responsibility, it can feel ungrateful when there are so many who would love to be parents but can’t. Protection is at the heart of what we do as parents, and in the last year I’ve found this to be my downfall. My son’s room mate at university took his own life and there was nothing I could do to fix this – not for him, not for his room mate’s parents – I spent a month waking up every day saying to myself “I can’t fix this.” Tears are leaking out now as I type, but that’s a good thing. I’ve had a bad couple of weeks but couldn’t get beyond feeling like I need to cry. Without your posting to respond to I would still be keeping it all in, at least something has trickled out. I’d love to tell you that you stop wanting to protect your kids as they get older but I don’t think it ever goes away – my middle son is almost an adult too, and yet when he asks if I’m ok I mumble through the sadness so he he doesn’t feel responsible for my problems – I don’t want him to become me with the need to resolve other people’s problems and all the anxiety and depression that comes with it. If you get moments when you can lose yourself in watching them enjoy themselves, take them, they do grow up too quickly. Best wishes to you and your family.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I always wonder if I should post, and usually I don’t because anxiety wins the fight. I want to post and get my perspective on things out there, but I sometimes fear the responses that may come.

        Liked by 1 person

        • You really shouldn’t be ashamed, that’s the stigma. Don’t fear the response! I wish I could express how you’ll help others by your experiences. We all have different experiences and yours may help someone in desperate need to relate. Share or share with me and I’d happily share your experiences. But I strongly encourage not being afraid to admit something that required us to be stronger. You can always email me at itsnotcrazytoday@gmail.com

          Liked by 1 person

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