The perfect lover and demon. Hypersexuality and a bit about whiskey

Standard
The perfect lover and demon. Hypersexuality and a bit about whiskey

image

“My dear,

Find what you love and let it kill you.Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness.
Let it kill you and let it devour your remains.
For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.”
~ Falsely yours
Charles Bukowski

Dirty bipolar symptom #1

This quote has been on my mind all day, actually for about a month. I think talking about darker indulgences in life is harder than the sad, happy, or lonely. But I know this will relate somehow to some to better understand symptoms or understand a friend or loved one.

We all have our vices, I love whiskey neat. It’s flavors can be dignified, youthful, soft, firm, dry, sweet, big, subtle, and rich. I just described the perfect lover. Let’s explore that a bit.

Some have a smokey, woody, nutty, oaky taste that reminds me of nights under the stars, a fire and my night sky. Some can be almost salty with herbal overtones, instant memories of a night on a beach. Some are creamy, hot, and mouth-coating. A big whiskey dominates my mouth.Those instantly remind me of more intimate things. A sweet whiskey can leave you with a very wet feeling, literally a wet mouth. It like loving a woman. I like viscous thicker whiskeys that leave legs on the glass when swirled, how it reacts when swirled and lingers on the glass. I like a whiskey that’s body floods my mouth with flavor. That can provide the perfect finish.

Whiskey is like the perfect lover. I only see him briefly. Overindulgence can led my destruction. So I control my impulse to drink. When I do see these lovers, I have the inability to stop. I overindulge in all the sensations and crave all the different flavors.

I have my demons, my vices caused by Bipolar. Like whiskey, a symptom rarely talked about is hypersexuality. This is probably the most feared in a monogamous relationship. Sadly, sex is a constant thing I have to control. I control it with medication, but it’s the one thing I can never satisfy, I want sex constantly. Even minutes, after sex. Most would read that and offer a high five to my husband. I need intimacy, but honestly sex. When bipolar hypersexuality knocks on the door, I get help and that not sex. I’ve found many forms of therapy over the years and great support. It’s a dirty little secret, but it’s honestly very sad and hurts.

Think about it, even writing about whiskey can become sensual and sexy. I’m a hard woman to control, but knowing someone like me who is Bipolar 1 doesn’t mean we are all the same and my symptoms are different from type 2. There is actually a whole spectrum.

I love being complex. I love how I feel more than most humans. I feel sadness like now other, love like no other, and sex is a spiritual experience. It took me years to realize how bipolar is my superpower. Like all superpowers, we also have our Kryptonite. This is #1, stay turned for #2

I didn’t even get into describing the depth of cigars, another post 😉

Advertisements

About Musings of a mad woman

“Mental labels don’t define who I am, time and aging only gets me closer to those I love, will love, and have loved” ~ S.L. Cato I’ve battle Bipolar disorder for at least 15+ years, toss in a couple more labels I’ve collected such as generalized anxiety disorder PTSD. This battle is pretty amazing and out of this world and at times a dark rollercoaster ride. The medication, the manic episodes, and mania can be pretty humorous. The hypersexuality, drugs, anxiety, depression, ghosts, and parenting. I’ve certainly felt the sting of the “crazy” stigma, but I’m here today. Bipolar is my superpower. I hope by sharing my musings it helps others understand the labels situation whispered behind closed doors. Please feel free to share my stories, rantings and musings. Read more about me in my post "Who is the Mad Woman"

31 responses »

  1. Thanks for liking one of my posts, which allowed me to find your blog and this post in particular. I have bipolar 1 and what you describe has been a constant companion for my entire adult life. I’m well medicated now and the strength of that desire is greatly diminished but the desire is still there, almost all the time. I’m looking forward to reading more…especially the cigars you mentioned!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The whiskey post discovered! I enjoyed reading it, and the comparisons to sex. My comparison would be from the world of wine, and it has its analogs. And yes, overindulgence will lead to my destruction if I’m not careful. Still, I find it entertaining to straddle that line.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for sharing this.
    Maybe later I’ll have something more substantial to share, myself… right now it seems like my hyper-sexuality has been diverted into a wide creative and constructiveness, but I am not sure. May be unrelated. It is not that I feel hyper-actively creative, I’m just able to be the creative force in my own life, in a wider variety of situations, and give more priority to construction.
    However my overall energy is lower right now as I focus on healing and growing so perhaps that is why. In time, I’ll get a better sense. For now I’ll just quietly say thanks.
    Wait, I said that other stuff aloud? O.o

    Liked by 2 people

    • I feel like it took me a lot of time and tears, but I’ve learned to embrace every positive aspect and find positive in the negatives. Sadly, I do wish I had someone like myself 15 year ago to just make it simple and teach me then what I know now.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh wow. I really love this post from so many different levels. There are a lot of layers to it. What I love most (as a general first time reader) is you embracing and celebrating what has been give to you. No whining in this post: just rich, sexy, descriptive observation. I like it. Following you!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Bipolar hypersexuality – amen to that. Most of the time it makes me feel like a total weirdo. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone. And yes, this post was oddly sensual, even though most of it wasn’t about sex. Still kind of turned on by it. I AM SO STRANGE.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for the responses. I try to share my raw emotions. At this point in my life it’s pointless to hide from our past, presents or futures. You are who you are and if your Christian, you do not pass judgment. Many other religions see it differently, some enlightenment, some a gift from a higher being, most forgiveness. Except Islam, I’d be stoned and then burned unless deemed a messager. I’ve read the Bible, various versions. The Quran, and the book of Jehovah, Latter Day Saints. I’ve read them all in my choice to share and possible help others. Most importantly to inspire others and I appreciate the comments and inspiration. But pause and reflect before passing religion judgement. Thank you to all those who understand and are inspired. You inspire me to give you more of my soul and experiences.

      Like

  6. i too love your way with words. you have surely found your voice.
    may i join the whiskey women club? i have had a bit of a day drinking problem the last few years. might have started sooner but it was not so readily available until my husband got his grandfathers old bar from his parents barn and he filled it with so much whiskey among other things. now, when i say day drinking i do not mean getting drunk every day. i just have days where i go and have some whiskey neat and then spend the rest of the day in a manic panic because my husband would not approve or understand. he would think the worst. he can always tell despite my efforts to get rid of the smell on my breath. i play dumb.
    he has recently become ok with me having a glass of wine or a favorite brew with me in the bath when he gets home. which is nice. he often makes me feel like a child, unable to make adult decisions, that may be true sometimes. still, i am an adult and i am allowed to make bad life decisions. (you know you did something right when your daughter chides you for making bad life choices. that is an interesting story.)
    wow. i have hijacked your post!
    so sorry!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You are correct- we all have our vices. Mine happen to be anti-anxiety medication. It puts me in a protective cocoon that numbs me to the bone. Nothing can hurt me emotionally – but it’s unfortunately cold comfort. These pills make me a horribly moody, tense and negative person. I want to thank you for sharing your blog- it’s very honest. The hardest thing for our community -‘mental health sufferers’- is that we keep our condition secret for fear of being judged. I came out long ago with the attitude of ‘fuck you’ this is who I am. You are who you are and it’s beautiful – God bless you

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I love whiskey… Bourbon to be exact and I felt the touch of it’s hot breath upon my skin as I read your post. I do wonder though… ‘Think about it, even writing about whiskey can become sensual and sexy. I’m a hard woman to control, ‘ … should you be controlled at all??? Is it the effect of the whiskey or the perception of others? Perhaps women, like us (I too) should be accepted and worshipped for our ability to abandon ourselves to our senses. When it is not dark, the super power is just that… be in awe!!!
    Amazing post!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Like the previous comments, wow, well said. You are a wonderful communicator. Definitely learning things about bipolar that I never knew about. Also starting to understand a little better why you say that bipolar is your superpower.
    And now I want some whiskey and a good cigar. 🙂
    As always, thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s